February 28, 2020

Fabricated Press

Breaking the news for breaking news

Conservative America confused by Sheepskin Condoms

It was a banner day at the brand-new CVS pharmacy in Delamoe, Tennessee. The display shelves were filled with products that many of the locals hadn’t yet encountered.

I’ve had at least 75 people ask me if they’re going to get Coronavirus if they don’t start using appropriate measures when penetrating sheep. When I took this job, I didn’t know I’d be moving so close to this many sheepfuckers.

Jerry, 46 – Pharmacist

A line started to form at the pharmacy, nearly all the patrons dressed in varying degrees of camouflage. “We keep on getting questions about the sheepskin condoms, it’s getting really hard to keep up with the insulin needs of this particular community,” said Jerry the pharmacist. “It’s like all these people do is eat foods terrible for their health, and fuck sheep. We’re going to make the bottom line for CVS great, one pallet of sheepskin condoms at a time.”

Most questions Jerry has been receiving fall into three particular categories: skeepskin condoms usage with sheep, continuing to penetrate wildlife without a sheepskin condom, and how the children can benefit from the new protection. “Your kids don’t need to watch you penetrate sheep, with or without a condom. This isn’t an issue your local pharmacist should have to advise upon,” says Jerry. “And yes, the sheepskin condoms will fit neatly into your Pringles can of used condoms, you know, for sentimental value.”

The Fabricated Press doesn’t condone penetrating sheep, unless you’re a trained insemination specialist and wearing the proper protective gear (you lousy sheepfuckers).