Back in October 2004, the Fabricated Press was just a gleam in the editors’ coffee.

GOOP, KS - A local resident of Goop was found dead today while trying to install Linux on his home computer.

The company’s rather well-known, so let’s preserve a respectful anonymity and call it O’Donalds.

REDMOND, KS - In a bold move to secure its leadership role in the software industry, Microswift unveiled plans this morning to patent basic mathematical processes such as addition, subtraction, and cheating on tax returns.

I’d already been getting food and cars and haircuts and stuff online anyway. The hard part was getting that nincompoop from UPS to cart stuff 10 extra feet to the garage.

Caraway’s most recent offering, Jerry Potter Cracks the Edwardo Da Vinci Code, has had mixed reviews, hasn’t sold well, and is in fact a self-help book. But he felt it was a case in point.

“I guess I’ll have to convert,” said Earl Maui, an ex-baker who now leads seminars on the Atkins diet. “I hope they do another study soon.”

For years, Winch endured the fire hydrants, those galling monuments that one poet has called “hate speech in metal.”

Rev. Lobotoy smiles and strokes a quarter.

A new dating site guarantees TOTAL safety, thanks to its revolutionary policy that forbids membership to weirdos, stalkers, and murderers.

Before Chunkaflex, no other pill had ever claimed to reduce the discomfort due to car trouble. There has been some skepticism as to whether it works, but only from idiots.

“Vitamin C is a drug, and if you need a drug, you’d better just go ask your doctor, young man. You can kill yourself if you get sick and worthless, but you are NOT going to ingest unapproved substances. Not on my watch.”

Meanwhile, two more Supreme Court justices have retired, three have died, and one has gone on sabbatical to play the romantic lead in Napoleon Dynamite the Second, which brings the current count of active Supreme Court Judges to two.

“Personally, I’ve known women are aliens for years,” explained researcher Wilson Stag of Broken Clipboard. “But a lot of people have a real blind spot here. I’m glad I was around to make sure the darn questions were objective.”

“I’m no conspiracy theorist,” he explains as he scans the hallway. “They all wind up dying mysterious deaths. But when the same guy brings your mail every single day, you start to wonder.”

Each donor freely signs our contract before she gets a single shot of morphine. Of course, technically, we sign all the contracts as the legal guardian. But the choice is theirs. Scout’s honor.

Another distinguished attendee is artist Mortimer Melon, an outspoken advocate of the labor class. His paintings are socially conscious and generally do not sell, so he lives in an enlightened fashion off heavy investments in Wal-Mart. Melon called the

“Like most anti-rape activists, Juarez manifests heavily embedded religious and cultural memes. It wasn’t even until the late 1960s that our own culture finally stopped embedding memes and started passing on objective values.”

Marvin’s controversial approach has gained national acclaim thanks to his recent self-help bestseller, Win by Losing a Little Each Day.

Local antique dealer Leslie Ragg has raised a few eyebrows this fall with an unconventional Halloween lawn ornament–the corpse of a late client and ping pong buddy, Kipper Bernard.

While reform-minded Piffle has crusaded against ear swabs for years, the government has been slow to move. Now, a recent avalanche of scientific data confirms what Piffle has always said: once you start using ear swabs, it’s almost impossible to stop.

Slab: I have always been fascinated with gray. No, perhaps “fascinated” is too strong a word. “Mildly intrigued” might be more accurate, and not so startling.

Querby plies his craft in a cozy home office on a third floor apartment that appears to have been renovated in the late 1920s. Despite the lessened effects of gravity at this altitude, Querby’s sizable bulk remains firmly attracted to the floor as he chu