Group Fights for Stronger Safety Measures

Sunsets. Most of us have seen them, but how many of us have ever considered their impact on traffic?

“Let’s face it. An average sunset is more interesting to look at than the average road. That’s reality. Tough,” says Phil Gustabert. Gustabert (pronounced “Gustabert”), is the tough-talking Vice President of the National Coalition to Eliminate Sunsets as a Road Hazard (NCESRH), which is a national coalition to eliminate sunsets as a road hazard. Founded during a lengthy commute, NCESRH has worked for years to raise consciousness on this often over-looked safety issue.

While the precise number of accidents caused by sunsets is not yet known, few would deny that they’re a potential distraction. “Potential? They’re the whole sky,” says Gustabert. “My aunt used to drive me home from work, and she couldn’t go half a mile without glancing up. They’re a menace.”

While many agree that drivers should keep their eyes on the road, the unenlightened might assume that this responsibility is ultimately up to the drivers themselves. Or even, in a moment of pre-industrial laziness, wonder what precisely we could do about sunsets.

While many would attempt to avoid using the same opening sentence structure three times in a row, few would admit defeat, cut their losses, and forge ahead.

In the days before NCESRH, there were recorded incidents of drivers actually pulling over and getting out to get a good look at a sunset. Sadly, this delay completely contradicted the point of owning a motor vehicle. “I think I did that once in 1987,” says one driver who appears to be female. “Never did again. Missed half of Cheers. Get that microphone out of my face! The light’s green! GROWL!”

Today, only NCESRH has a plan to eliminate this hazard forever.

“Tunnels,” says Gustabert. “Lots and lots of tunnels. Tough tunnels. A Tunnel On Every Street by Two Thousand and ‘Eeet’!“

Unlike conventional tunnels, these “Arches of Safety” would be inexpensive and quickly built, consisting primarily of PVC pipe and industrial-grade plastic. “Like a cheap carport, except really really long,” explains Gustabert. The opaque plastic, probably black or cafeteria green, would keep out not only sunsets, but landscapes, attractive bystanders, and air. Anything, in fact, likely to distract drivers, or remind them that they were still on Earth.

“Picture it,” says Gustabert. “Ultimate safety. Tough safety.”

Unresolved issues remain, such as lighting, but Gustabert is confident. Until recently, NCESRH faced an uphill battle for funding. While many lawmakers were intrigued at the sheer scale of the infrastructure involved, none could deny that the project would require cuts in more important projects, such as the colonization of the Middle East. Then NCESRH turned to the corporate sector.

“Never say the Big Boys aren’t generous,” says Gustabert. Only last week, a single corporation agreed to subsidize the entire project: Crap-Mart.

“We are good neighbors, and fewer car accidents will mean more shoppers at Crap-Mart,” says Genghis Khan, a high-ranking executive at the giant retailer.

Predictably, the undeserved beneficence has been questioned. “It says on the web site that the tunnels will have commercials,” snaps Edwardo Cologne, an irritating crank. “Miles and miles and miles of commercials. For Crap-Mart. To get anywhere. That’s one Dante didn’t even touch.”

Fortunately, the apparent irony of rescuing drivers from distraction by encasing them in a world of billboards is only apparent, apparently. Recent scientific evidence suggests that through a process not yet fully understood, billboards actually enhance driver concentration.

“We’ve run the study three times. It’s good,” affirms Khan.

With funding, NCESRH expects to move forward within the year. Tunnels will appear first on major highways near Crap-Mart Supercenters, then branch out until every road is safe, or the planet runs out of plastic.

“It’ll be tough, but we can do it,” says Gustabert. “Tough. Tough. Tough. I like that word.”