An interview with Robert Slab, Cubicle Designer

The cubicle is arguably the greatest invention of modern times.

Consider this: the cubicle is America’s daytime environment of choice. More Americans work in cubicles than in forests, boats, and workshops combined. From its humble origins in the dungeon cells of yesteryear, the cubicle has surged to overwhelming popularity.

But why are cubicles so universally loved? What leads an affluent society to present the cream of its middle and upper lower classes with such a seemingly soul-withering workspace? To find out, the Fabricated Press went to a man who knows cubicles like the back of his head: Robert Slab, Cubicle Designer.

Fabricated Press: Good afternoon, Mr. Slab.

Slab: Who are you? Get out of my office!

FP: But Mr. Slab, our appointment—

Slab: Slab? Robert Slab? He’s three cubicles down! And six over! Now get out—

FP: Sorry.

Not Slab: And prop that drywall up again! That’s my door!

Later…

FP: Good afternoon, Mr. Slab, and thanks for taking time for us.

Slab: It is a pleasure to be here. In my cubicle.

FP: Mr. Slab, you’ve been designing cubicles for some 36 years—

Slab: 35 and 11 months. And 3 weeks.

FP: Close enough. What first inspired you to get into cubicle design?

Slab: What day is it today? Is it Wednesday?

FP: I think it’s Thursday—

Slab: Thursday. That makes 4 weeks. Another month. Which means—35 years and 12 months. And 12 months is the same as a year.

FP: So it has been 36 years.

Slab: Yes. It has been 36 years.

FP: Marvelous. So why did you start designing cubicles?

Slab: I have always been fascinated with gray. No, perhaps “fascinated” is too strong a word. “Mildly intrigued” might be more accurate, and not so startling. But that would be two words.

FP: That’s all right.

Slab: A phrase, in fact.

FP: What’s it like to design a cubicle?

Slab: Well, I will tell you a secret. A cubicle is basically a box. When I got my start, I attended a two-week Box Design seminar in Gary, Indiana. In order to recieve my Certification to Think Inside the Box, I had to design one cubicle. I did a good, solid design.

Today, when I begin a fresh project, I begin with that design. I photocopy it. Then, I get to work. Using generic white-out, I cover the old date.

FP: Yes? And then?

Slab: I wait for the white-out to dry. Then, I write the current date.

This is my profession.

FP: Of course, with your experience, you can look back on decades of innovations in cubicle design. How has the business changed?

Slab: Which business?

FP: Cubicle design.

Slab: Oh. It has not changed. A box is a box is a box. Forget that, and we crumble.

FP: But some cubicles have variations. For instance, you fought hard against orange walls.

Slab: Ack! Orange! On every new project, I would have had to cross out gray and then write orange! Besides, orange is entirely too stimulating. Let the working world be gray, and our bills we all shall pay.

FP: Actually, cubicles are sometimes criticized as a bit too gray, even “drab.” People claim that a society that spends billions a year on houses they hardly see ought to figure out how to avoid spending half their waking hours in a mausoleum.

Slab: Mausoleum. I like that.

FP: What?

Slab: Cubicles are a place to work, not a place to live.

FP: Then why are cubicles so popular?

Slab: They are popular because employers buy them. They are very cheap.

FP: But don’t you think the average employee likes her cubicle? That you designed?

Slab: Food to eat, an apartment to rent, a car to drive, a regular paycheck, and hi-speed Internet. These are the needs of man. All else is dross.

FP: And there you have it. The wisdom of Robert Slab: cubicle designer, poet, and philosopher.

Slab: Who are you talking to?