Kindred spirits find support, hypocrisy

BOSTON, UT - The Annual Convocation of Hypocrites opened Friday, and hundreds if not a thousand flocked to the historic Broken Air Conditioning Convention Center downtown for a long weekend of fellowship, relaxation, and inspiration.

“We’re a diverse gathering, a veritable rainbow—bankers, hobos, nuns, prostitutes, even actors,” said Keith Purge, Convocation Coordinator and frequent smiler. “United in one common passion.”

The convocation began with a rousing Opening Address by Purge entitled, “You Are What You Say: Nine and a Half Reasons Why Hypocrisy Works.”

“We hypocrites get a lot of negative press,” said Purge during his talk. “Fact is, nobody lives up to his ideals. [applause] But it takes a real hypocrite to embrace that. [applause] We alone are the truth keepers of society. [sneeze] Bless you.”

The talk began twenty minutes late, but appeared to be on schedule after the clocks were adjusted.

Already, attendees had much to say about the invitation-only event.

“I’m so glad I was chosen,” said Bette Glaze, a school librarian who just purchased her third plasma TV. “Hypocrisy is such an effort. What a relief to kick back and relax with kindred spirits.”

“Kindred spirits!” spluttered Granola Bob, editor of Get Back to Nature, a daily e-zine. “I thought this thing was about fighting hypocrites! I could be hiking!” Granola Bob also complained that the wireless network was down for half the day, forcing him to halve his usual thirteen hours online.

Another distinguished attendee is artist Mortimer Melon, an outspoken advocate of the labor class. His paintings are socially conscious and generally do not sell, so he lives in an enlightened fashion off heavy investments in Wal-Mart. Melon called the experience so far “nauseating.” “My skin is crawling,” he said. “I’m surrounded by hypocrites.”

Not that every report was glowing. Realtor Donald Uplex took umbrage with the first small group session, where participants were asked to share personal information like their favorite books, secret ambitions, and least successful hypocrisies. “We had to say all this embarrassing stuff, but the small group leaders only had to say their names! I just think it’s kind of hypocritical. I don’t like it. And I think the air conditioning’s broken.”

In a world obsessed with interiority, the convocation’s goal is to unite and strengthen the far-flung heroes and heroines of the noble exterior. And Purge has lined up a stunning schedule of motivation, including:

• “Which Party’s Worse?” A gentle debate featuring Republican Senator Arthur Bribe, who campaigned against abortion and then voted for the war in Iraq, and Democratic Senator Marvin Graft, who campaigned against child abuse and then voted for doctors to suck babies’ brains out during birth. And for the war in Iraq.
• “Real Tolerance,” a dramatic monologue by Lisa Nard, ACLU activist and author of If Only There Were A Hell For Fundamentalists. Nard’s most recent victory is the arrest of a kindergartner for saying “Christmas” in a school zone.
• Closing Address: “The Joy of Giving” by keynote speaker Jared Templeton, unofficial owner of the mining industry and beloved sponsor of the Templeton Hospital for Miners.

Attendees will also bask in all the amenities Broken Air Conditioning has to offer, such as:

• A copy of How To Win Friends and Make Money Off People provided free of charge (with registration fee of $2,708).
• One and a half continental breakfasts
• Bathrooms, with toilet paper

Judging from the early signs, this Convocation promises to be the usual extravaganza of back-slapping, resignations by Broken AC staff, and mysterious cases of food poisoning. As always, Keith Purge has gathered a marvelous mix of our nation’s finest, from Max Pudge, the 450-pound nutritionist, to Libb Lewopp, the celebrated satirist.

“What do they want with me?” Lewopp said. “I make fun of hypocrites! That means I’m clean!”