Institute adopts Third World orphans to supply demand.

MOREAU, IN - An amazing new serum, ImmunaBomb™, allows organs harvested from young children to be “grown” and transplanted into an adult within weeks.

Any adult.

That’s right. Thanks to the immature state of the original organ, as well as the serum’s patented ImmunoMatchEmmication process, any donor is the perfect match. The “waiting list culture” is gone forever—as long as children are willing to give.

“Which is where we cut in,” interrupts Dr. Gary Slice, researcher and board member of the Graft Now And Survive Happy Institute (GNASH). Slice, a narrow man with a sharp nose, chuckles as he cleans his nails with a scalpel. “GNASH maintains an onsite community of dedicated donors. We’ve transplanted arms, eyes, stomachs, hearts, brains, and even vital organs to hundreds of needy patients. Call GNASH, and you’ll schedule surgery today.”

Incredible. But there is one fly in the ointment.

“What ointment?” Slice asks. “Oh, right. Our problem, our menace, is ignorant criticism. We save lives every day, and what do people focus on? The donors. Let’s get this straight. Our donors are kids from the Third World. Generally orphans. But guess what? Each one is formally adopted by GNASH. That means they’re our kids. And we take care of our kids.

“After all, what kind of life could their spawn parents (if any) have offered them? Hard work, eating, mating—hardly what you’d call a career.

“Instead, they live here, at our state-of-the-art facilities. They have money to send home to their families. Special video games they can keep playing even as they lose mobility. Air conditioning.” Slice shakes his head. “Truly, they are the winners.”

It’s a life their impoverished peers can only dream about. Moreover, although transplant needs are intense, GNASH ensures that each donor lives at least six months, often seven.

Why not harvest everything at once? Slice snorts. “Please! We’re not butchers! Quality of life. That’s our passion. We want our kids to have a good life that’s productive. Plus, items need to be fresh.

“Remember, this is all painless—and voluntary. Unlike some branches of research I could mention, our donors makes their own choices. Each donor freely signs our contract before she gets a single shot of morphine. Of course, technically, we sign all the contracts as the legal guardian. But the choice is theirs. Scout’s honor.”

Despite criticisms from various well-funded activists, the ranks of grateful GNASH customers swell daily. Take Matteo Carnivale. At 43, the beloved opera singer was nearly forced into retirement when a freak disease destroyed his vocal cords. Thanks to a donation from Rosita-H728, he can keep singing.

“Yes, yes, I’ve had the complaints,” Carnivale says with an expressive wave of his jeweled hand. “People are jealous. But what would it be to me, my fans, the world, if Carnivale was snuffed out? Tragedy! But now, this miracle, I am saved. What would some five-year-old use her throat for? ‘Mamma, gimme, gimme, gimme!’ That throat in me can bring joy—joy—to millions.”

Then there’s Wart Scyllerade, 97, a textile CEO who was saved when Ivan-H881 passed on his pancreas. “Would you want to die?” Wart asks. “Waiting lists could have killed me. And if I ever did die, my family would crumble. Some Russian orphan goes, sure, it’s sad, but there’s no comparison.” He brushes aside his jet-black bangs. “People say to me, they say, ‘Wart, eventually you will have to die.’ And I’m like, ‘The hell I will. Just so long as I have good, hard cash.’”

For thinking people, GNASH offers hope that the tide is turning in the ancient war on mortality. Sadly, great advances generally involve a human cost. Yet the work of GNASH may be an exception.

“Are kids human?” muses Slice. “It’s an interesting philosophical question. Are they really like us? They can’t balance a checkbook, pay rent, compare insurance rates— what do they actually do for society?

He grins. “We’re just blessed they happen to have the exact same biology that we do, otherwise we couldn’t harvest their organs. That really works out well.”